For Every Pain, Consolation
Melissa Ostrom
At Honey Creek Home, the television lights the living room from noon to midnight, a curving banister supports a chairlift, twelve women share large-print Harlequins, and Shelly works weekdays in the kitchen from six in the morning until two, her position for the last eight months, the first job she’s held that she doesn’t mind people knowing about.
Shelly has lived for a third of the average resident’s years and likes hearing herself called, with vague affection, Young Shelly, after three decades of feeling tired, finished, old. Her daily schedule begins when the former one ended, morning but still too early for light.
In the large kitchen, until she reaches the switch, just the microwave’s hour shines. Pine Sol and last night’s pot roast hover, before other smells begin to bloom: coffee, bacon, toast. As Shelly starts serving, the sun enters the room, startling the sink window first. Across the floor, the light paints a diamond, sharp or blurred, depending on the weather. The predictability of this certain slant bemuses her. Before here, had she ever stayed long enough in one place to realize such a thing?
Shelly knows which residents may eat grapefruit and who needs prunes. There is Mrs. Mula, the English muffin eater, Mrs. Spitzer, who likes Fiber One mixed with blueberries, and Mrs. Dunn, who prefers Shredded Wheat with half a banana sliced on top.
But Shelly’s confidence staggers and slinks away when Marina arrives at ten. The cook for lunch and supper, Marina is big and fast. She handles six hot burners, and two ovens besides, like a mother with many young children, pulling a wanderer back by the shirt, heaving the crier to the hip, shuffling two fighters apart, with no apparent effort. The kitchen obeys Marina.
Shelly, meanwhile, cleans up after breakfast and begins a clumsy performance of dinner prepping, losing a slippery potato down the garbage disposal, making a mess in the sink with carrot peels, and carrying up from the cool basement the wrong kinds of apples for the pies.
Marina, not mean but quiet, keeps to herself. Shelly reads this distance like a judgment.
Then, hunched over the sink, quartering an apple, Shelly slices open her thumb. She grabs a paper towel, waits for Marina’s notice and scold, sure she’ll hear it now, certain she’s got it coming to her, poised for when Marina, flat out, will ask how a thirty-year-old woman can go her entire life without learning how to properly peel and chop a piece of fruit.
Shelly tries to hide the bleeding in the paper towel and silently censures herself for her stupidity. She can’t cook. She can’t do anything very well. What she spent most of her life learning isn’t useful in a kitchen.
Marina halts when she spots the sloppy bandage. “Heavens.” She indicates the kitchen table with the ladle. “Sit.”
After twisting a burner to a low flame, Marina disappears into the pantry and returns with a small box. She settles across from Shelly, takes the slight hand in her own, and removes the paper towel wrapping, clucking at the blood, examining the small injury, saying shortly but not unkindly, “Ought to take your time with the chopping. No rush. The ladies aren’t going anywhere.” Then she swabs the cut with hydrogen peroxide, dots the Band-Aid gauze pad with a dime’s worth of Neosporin, folds the bandage neatly around the thumb, and (already rising) briefly pats the back of the hand.
Shelly gives herself over to the ministration. She experiences it with a strange and pleasurable languor. She spends the full minute of the procedure dazed, lulled, heavy, immobilized—with gratefulness—and stricken with awareness. This contact, the brisk care, the impersonal pressure wrings something from Shelly, though not from her mind, maybe not a memory at all. More ancient than that, a reaction culled from the skin. Her skin recognizes this about Marina’s dry grasp: not a taking hand. Rather, the hand of someone she might love. Yes. Shelly could love this Marina who tends to her fleetingly. And afterward, back to the apples, standing on the diamond cut by the sink window’s portion of light, Shelly thinks, fervently, like one making a vow, that she would cut herself again, a dozen cuts more, to have Marina hold her hand like that a second time.